The Style Invitational
Week 754 Canny Similarities
Saturday, March 1, 2008;
C02
Jesus
said: "If any man thirst, let him come unto me, and drink." (John
7:37)
Elvis
said: "Drinks on me!" ("Jailhouse Rock," 1957)
No one is
really sure if Elvis's middle name was Aron or Aaron.
No one is
really sure what the H in "Jesus H. Christ" stands for.
The
examples above are two of the "uncanny similarities" between the King
and, well, the King that are featured on a list that's been spinning through
cyberspace, evidently anonymously, for more than a decade, and brought to our
attention by Loser Randy Lee. This week: Cite a humorous "uncanny
similarity" between any two of the very different people listed below.
(Note that the list includes neither Elvis nor Jesus.)
Mohandas
K. Gandhi
Britney
Spears
Napoleon
Bonaparte
Eleanor
Roosevelt
Tiger
Woods
Archduke
Franz Ferdinand
Bill
Clinton
Groucho Marx
Jane
Austen
Moses
Morticia Addams
Winner
receives the Inker, the official Style Invitational trophy. Second place gets a
nifty (for those with a low standard of niftiness) board game called Beat the
Beltway, donated by Peter Metrinko of suburbia, in
which players roll dice and draw cards in a race to get to various Washington
area destinations. The compact board fits perfectly on a driver's lap.
Other
runners-up win their choice of a coveted Style Invitational Loser T-shirt or
yearned-for Loser Mug. Honorable Mentions get one of the lusted-after Style
Invitational Magnets. One prize per entrant per week. Send your entries by
e-mail to losers@washpost.com or by fax to 202-334-4312. Deadline is Monday,
March 10. Put "Week 754" in the subject line of your e-mail, or it
risks being ignored as spam. Include your name, postal address and phone number
with your entry. Contests are judged on the basis of humor and originality. All
entries become the property of The Washington Post. Entries may be edited for
taste or content. Results will be published March 29. No purchase required for
entry. Employees of The Washington Post, and their immediate relatives, are not
eligible for prizes. Pseudonymous entries will be disqualified. The revised title for next week's results is by Chris
Doyle. This week's Honorable Mentions name is by Drew Bennett.
Report From Week 751, in which we asked you
to help supply new "unscripted TV fare" to the writer-struck networks
by slightly changing the title of a current or past TV show. Just the prospect
of your generosity was enough to send the producers scrambling back to the
bargaining table to work out an agreement days later.
We
could program every cable channel for years with the entries submitted for this
contest. Some of the most commonly offered titles: "American Idle,"
"You Bet Your Wife," "Manics,"
"C*A*S*H," "Bob's New Heart."
4.
"No Dime for Sergeants": A report on the Army's uncompetitive pay
scale. (Dave Ferry,
3.
"
2.
the winner of the "Puke & Snot" ball cap:"Missionary:
Impossible": A documentary exploring the sex lives of the extremely obese.
(Dean Evangelista,
And the Winner of the
Inker
"Thee's Company": The history of the Quaker Oats
empire. (Wilson Varga,
Half Nielsens:
Honorable Mentions
"Talcum
in the Middle": A Lifetime Channel special on treating diaper rash.
(Russell Beland,
"Where
in the World Is San Diego, Carmen?": Game show producers make lemonade out
of Americans' geographical illiteracy. (Brendan Beary)
"1
vs. 101": Michael Vick is locked in a big cage with a pack of vengeful
Dalmatians. (J. Larry Schott,
"My
Car, the Mother!": Ralph Nader rants about his
"Gently, Ben": Alan Greenspan offers advice to his
successor on how to achieve a soft landing in a bear market. (Chris Doyle,
Ponder,
"Mister
Roget's Neighborhood": PBS show lists synonyms for Word of the Week. (G.
"The
A-Teat": Yet another reality show about runway models. (Ralph
"To
Yell the Truth": An exposé of secrets learned from waterboarding;
an experiment in the one-minute documentary format. (Ira Allen,
"CBS
Evening Muse With Dan Rather": Each night the reinstated news anchor
simply describes news stories he wishes were true. (Russell Beland)
"Monday
Night Foot": The chronicle of a fetishist's weekly tour of shoe stores.
(Laura Miller, Chantilly)
"Everybody
Loves Ramen": Four 18-year-old guys learn to flush the toilet, not put
laundry detergent in the dryer, and other life lessons in their first year away
from home. (Jay Shuck, Minneapolis; Judith Cottrill,
New York)
"Picket
Feces": A quiet suburb is traumatized by an irresponsible dog walker.
(Brendan Beary)
"One
Lay at a Time": No, no, it's just a contest to see if you really can go
without a second potato chip in one sitting. (Sanford D. Horn, Alexandria)
"Man
Icks": Women try to outdo each other with tales
about how gross their husbands are. (Jeff Brechlin,
Eagan, Minn.)
"Two
and a Quarter Men": The legal machinations between siblings over their
father's cryogenically frozen head. (J.P. Devine, Arlington, a First Offender)
"Gimme a Beak": A family of 10 stretches a single
chicken. (J. Larry Schott)
"America's
Next Top Mohel": Contestants vie to produce the
most creative circumcisions; every week someone gets cut. (Jerrie
Olson, Frederick, a First Offender; Brendan Beary)
"Gilligan's
Isthmus": In this reality show, seven shipwrecked people live as castaways
because they are too stupid just to walk back to civilization. (Russell Beland)
"America
Underclover": Each week forensics experts dig up
corpses and examine their states of decomposition. (Michelle Stupak)
"Antique
Broad Show": "The View." (Brendan Beary)
"Secret
Pageant Man": Expos¿ about the transsexual who
was once crowned Miss America. (Rick Haynes, Potomac)
"The
Newly Fed Game": Infants are pitted against each other to see who can burp
the loudest and spit up the farthest. (George Smith, Frederick)
"Touched
by an Anvil": A Wile E. Coyote marathon. (Larry Yungk,
Arlington)
"Deal or No Meal": A report on children being forced
to work the blackjack tables in Bangkok casinos. (Chris Doyle)
"Hawaii
Five Ho": Live from Honolulu, Don Imus and the
out-for-revenge Rutgers women's basketball team in a smackdown
cage match! (Dave Komornik, Danville, Va.)
"Unsmoke": A lone marshal attempts to enforce the
cigarette ban in Dodge City's restaurants. (Russell Beland)
"Father
Knows Breast": Extreme body makeovers. (Ted Weitzman, Olney)
"Dine
Nasty": Miss Manners outs people who chew with their mouths open and pick
their teeth with their forks. (Mel Loftus, Holmen, Wis.)
"The
Dorks of Hazard": Actuaries and consultants sit around conducting risk
analysis. (Phil Frankenfeld, Washington)
"The
Straights of San Francisco": Documentary about the little-known other side
of that great city. (Jim Ward, Manassas)
"Last
Vegas": Car restorers halfheartedly work on the final specimens of this
loser Chevy model. (Dave Prevar, Annapolis)
"DUMB3RS":
Remedial math classes on cable access. (Kevin Dopart,
Washington)
"The
Untouché-ables": A year with an undefeated
fencing team. (Russell Beland)
"Mister
Codger's Neighborhood": A day in the life of Leisure World. (Drew Bennett,
West Plains, Mo.)
"Dadwood": The life of Soon-Yi Previn. Tonight's pilot:
"Married . . . to Children." (Tom Witte, Montgomery Village)
"Seers":
A report on a bar where everybody, including total strangers, knows your name.
(Lynn Hunt, Woolford, Md., a First Offender)
"The
Flying: None": An anthology focusing each week on a different traveler's
adventures on Sept. 12, 2001. (Russell Beland)
"Beget
Smart": Tips on having more intelligent babies. (Randall Kunkel,
Spotsylvania, Va.)
And
Last: "Gypardy": Departing from recent
trends, this game show asks really difficult questions for ridiculously
low-value prizes like T-shirts and magnets. (Art Grinath,
Takoma Park)
Next Week:
The Might-Mates Rite, or Where's the Be-If?